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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26684542">fallen angel</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverMoonT/pseuds/SilverMoonT'>SilverMoonT</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Gen, Post-Time Skip</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 03:34:30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,302</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26684542</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverMoonT/pseuds/SilverMoonT</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Suna doesn’t know what to think other than knowing that his world is shaken, crumbling between his taped fingers. His name has not been chosen to be part of the Japan national team that will attend the Olympic Games, and the same has caused his thoughts to stumble and the muscles of his body to ache. He wonders if he's sad, even though the tear that had previously threatened to run down his pale cheek had been evidence that at least he's not thrilled with happiness. He doesn't know if he is angry, frustrated, or in what way he is supposed to feel; which feelings must be valid and which sensations are forbidden to feel under any circumstances.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>29</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>fallen angel</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I wrote this because my tl was getting me down with all the 'Suna didn't make it to the national team' tweets so I decided to give it a twist, hope you enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A slight chill runs through Suna's body. He knows that making good decisions is not within his skill range, so he is not surprised to find out that wearing a short-sleeved t-shirt turns out not to be the best of ideas; at least not during that night that has decided to be characterized by a cold weather. The canvas stretched over his head is defined by dark colors and trying to find the limits of the field is no longer possible, but he can’t bring himself to focus on his goose-bumps despite being in a position that allows him to be close to himself, since he keeps his knees close to his chest and his arms on his knees so that one of his cheeks can stay squished against his arm. He is sitting at the back of the house that didn’t turn out to be the escape place he thought it would be.</p>
<p>He thinks it’s ironic to believe that the night gleams for him despite never getting rid of a palette of bluish colors. The lantern hanging behind him helps the late natural lights not to be the only ones to prevent everything around him from being impossible to distinguish even if his eyes are currently on his sneakers. They are muddy and not because he has been playing volleyball in the mud as a new way to improve his skills and thereby expand his strength, but because he has been moving around all day under Kita's instructions, and yet in any case, at that moment his lips form a thin line of resignation at the same time that blinking ends up being a failed attempt to free himself from the crystalline layer that decorates the green of his gaze.</p>
<p>He hears footsteps and lifts his head to turn.</p>
<p>"It's cold."</p>
<p>He catches a glimpse of Washio's figure before turning around again in less than a second. "Yeah, I know." He runs his fingers under his eyes and clears his throat. "I'll go in a minute."</p>
<p>He holds his breath and his shoulders stop being completely tense once he hears footsteps moving away. A silent sigh leaves his lips because he didn’t expect to find himself the way he is, but finally his sneakers cease to be his main sight once he feels something warm resting on his shoulders and again he raises his head to meet Washio, although at that moment his teammate chooses to sit next to him.</p>
<p>Suna looks down at the piece of clothing left on his shoulders and bites his lip as he recognizes the white and light-blue colors of the team they both belong to.</p>
<p>"My middle blocker can't get sick."</p>
<p>Again his eyes are lifted to stay on Washio's defined profile.</p>
<p>Like him, he is also wearing his EJP jacket.</p>
<p>"It doesn't matter," He says, as if he didn't know the coach wouldn't be the only person to scold him for getting sick just because he forgot to bring a jacket with him at the time of deciding to be outdoors instead of protecting himself properly. "There are a lot of middle blockers that can replace me." The absurdity of his consciousness adds just because, because it’s clear to him that his words are a statement, since otherwise he wouldn’t be in that place at that time.</p>
<p>He straightens up, though his back is never straight no matter how hard he tries —he never tries—, yet his eyes don’t fall back on his sneakers, but to fix on the field in front of him. Taken straight out of a horror movie or a romantic comedy, it’s both a terrifying image and the proper background for an emotional scene. Maybe a confession is what he needs, but not with the help of another main character. Thought words, whispered sentences. "That's obvious." He says instead, loud and clear. Forgive me teammate, for I have sinned. "There are a lot of middle blockers that can replace me." He repeats because he is dramatic and his only religion is fighting with himself. "That too is obvious."</p>
<p>With the words mentioned and his own vocal cords found behind the production of them, he realizes the fragility that a person's confidence can count with. When he walks, he is aware of the eyes that rest on him, either because of his height, his delicate yet defined facial features, or because of the name that represents him, the same group of letters that his parents have chosen for him and that now represents much more —a player, a team, victories, defeats, both group and individual. And now he also knows that gazes are not only diverted to him by the presence of features, but also by their absence. The absence of a smile, the determination in the golden and green hue of his gaze, the solidity of his walk.</p>
<p>"Maybe." Washio chooses not to disagree. "But I've already gotten used to you, and having to do it with someone new would be weird, I'm sure it would be hard for me." He assures him, giving him a little push with his shoulder.</p>
<p>The ghost of a laugh leaves Suna's lips before he lowers his head.</p>
<p>The wood he's sitting on isn't completely clean or dirty, but the reality is that it's dark brown so it doesn’t matter —he will never say those words out loud though, since he knows that daring to speak that thought it means to end up cleaning that place in case Kita hears him. He look at his sneakers, the white —almost grey— color of his shorts, and his fingers, skin hidden under tape because he has already forgotten the last time he had all of fingers without some kind of bandage.</p>
<p>Training, matches, experience.</p>
<p>A sigh makes its way past his mouth.</p>
<p>"Is it dumb to be sad?" He asks.</p>
<p>Currently he doesn’t know what to think other than knowing that his world is shaken, crumbling between his taped fingers. His name has not been chosen to be part of the Japan national team that will attend the Olympic Games, and the same has caused his thoughts to stumble and the muscles of his body to ache. He wonders if he's sad, even though the tear that had previously threatened to run down his pale cheek had been evidence that at least he's not thrilled with happiness. He doesn't know if he is angry, frustrated, or in what way he is supposed to feel; which feelings must be valid and which sensations are forbidden to feel under any circumstances.</p>
<p>"I don't think so." Washio tilts his head. "I think it’s normal."</p>
<p>"Are you sad?" Suna asks, looking at his sneakers again.</p>
<p>"Frustrated, I think." He believes that the same confusion he feels is the one that appears in the tone of voice that accompanies Washio's words. Washio frowns slightly, certainly showing that he doesn't quite mean what he's saying either. "But, I think not as sad as you."</p>
<p>"I would like to be like you."</p>
<p>Washio casts a glance at him.</p>
<p>"I think all kinds of reactions are fine," He says. "Our goals are not always the same."</p>
<p>Suna forms a line with his lips despite knowing that he is right, since not all people have the same goals just because a single sport is the one to unite them. The wood on which they are sitting is accompanied by a slight vibration, and both he and Washio turn their eyes to the phone that remains in the middle of them.</p>
<p>Osamu's name appears on the screen.</p>
<p>Washio sees him but Suna leaves his chin on his knees.</p>
<p>His phone is not in his hands in a matter of seconds nor is he rushing to catch it. He turns his head to once again let his cheek meet his knees. "I'm avoiding him." He doesn't even seek to deny his actions. "I don't... I don't know..." He doesn't want to pick up because words accompanied by a calm or subdued tone of voice is not what he wants. "Even with Komori... I feel so bad... my hug was automatic... and Osamu... I don't want him to worry about me." He decides to confess, straightening up at the same time as he listens to new footsteps. "I want him to be happy for Atsumu and Aran." Speaking those names is more painful than mentioning his teammate's. Suna looks up and blinks, his shoulders dropping. "Kita-san, you too."</p>
<p>His phone stops vibrating.</p>
<p>The dark golden color of Kita's eyes falls between them, so Suna lowers his gaze to meet a gesture of good intention in the form of a chuupet. He decides to take it and hold it in his hands as Kita chooses to sit on the lowest and only step.</p>
<p>"Well, Atsumu hasn't stopped callin’ me," Kita comments, leaving his forearm on the wood where both Suna and Washio are sitting and stretching his legs out on the grass. After two years of seeing him standing up correctly, with a calm and always serene expression, Suna would think that he wouldn’t recognize the Kita who at that moment turns his head to offer him a slight smile. "So I hope he’s botherin’ Aran."</p>
<p>"I'm sorry." Suna doesn't quite understand his words, and bites the chuupet’s cap.</p>
<p>Whether it's his current teammate and a jacket draped over his shoulders, or his former team captain and a chuupet which taste already slides down his throat, Suna understands that he is not totally alone, and that going out for air in the middle of the night is not a good excuse to keep others away from him.</p>
<p>"’s ‘kay, ignoring his calls from time to time ain’t that bad."</p>
<p>A small amused smile finally appears on Suna's face.</p>
<p>"Kita-san, you didn't invite us here just because, did you?"</p>
<p>Kita has not forced them to go and in exchange, has offered them to spend a few days at his farm as an invitation. "In the same way that you two didn't come here just because, didja?" Kita asks him and then feels his gaze between him and Washio, a small smile appearing on the face of his teammate. "I think it's nice at night here." He adds, though not just because, since Kita never mentions words just because.</p>
<p>He throws his head back to rest his gaze on the sky above them and Washio copies him while Suna only chooses to take a quick glance at the dark ceiling before refocusing his gaze on his fingers holding the chuupet.</p>
<p>"Y’know, when I talk ‘bout the farm, everyone always says that the sunrises and sunsets must be beautiful, but so is the night. I never understand why they always forget the night." Kita says.</p>
<p>"Many people tend to avoid the night, they fear it." Washio comments. "People tend to associate it with danger. Personally, I like it."</p>
<p>"Because you come from a team of owls." Suna reminds him.</p>
<p>Again Washio pushes him gently with his shoulder after looking at him. "And now from the Raijin God who lights up the darkness."</p>
<p>Suna allows the chuupet to remain trapped between his lips.</p>
<p>He thinks of the lightning bolt that is always drawn in one of the upper corners of his uniform, in the colors of blue and white currently hugging him because he is wearing the EJP jacket on his shoulders.</p>
<p>"I associate it with the mysterious, and the mysterious can sometimes be a good thing."</p>
<p>Impressed, Suna looks at Kita. Years pass by but his interest in him doesn’t fade away. He thinks that for a person who always likes to accomplish the same steps to the letter, Kita certainly likes to get out of his own performance to make and leave a good impression.</p>
<p>"I thought you liked to play safe, routines."</p>
<p>Clean every corner of the locker room, wipe the volley balls, make sure the gym is in good condition. Study, get good grades, play volleyball, be captain and therefore coordinate a team. Kita repeats but doesn’t tire out, and for him, nerves are not an option because perhaps the environment changes but the actions remain the same.</p>
<p>"The day is a routine unto itself. Dawn, sunset, night, repeat." Kita comments, used to seeing the colors of those natural phenomena by himself. "But a day is never completely safe. Something unexpected, beyond our control and perspective, can always happen. You will never know if it will rain, if it will be cloudy, if there will be stars."</p>
<p>"There are phone apps for the weather, Kita-san."</p>
<p>Kita gives him a smile and a chuckle leaves Washio’s lips.</p>
<p>"I like it." Washio says, turning his eyes up again. "I haven't seen the sky for a long time." Nagano is not Tokyo, but the buildings are still the main constructions as well as the roofs of those the view you find when you lift your eyes, if that is what you do because in fact the street signs are distracting enough.</p>
<p>"Cuz you two are always blocking it." Kita says without hesitation, getting both of them to watch him. "Players always see what is above the net, it could be taken as the sky, right?" He asks them. Certainly none of the three remain excluded from the descriptions that from time to time are mentioned to refer to the players. Imaginary wings attached to the color of the jerseys. Jumps so impressive that the scene seems to take place in slow motion. "And you are the clouds, yer the ones blocking them."</p>
<p>Suna frowns. Although he thinks that Kita's words accompanied by a calm tone of voice are good to hear, at that moment the comparison he has made is not to his liking. Many people usually associate the rain with a quiet Sunday afternoon, free of problems and responsibilities, while for him it implies a downcast mood, the impossibility of using his phone in the street, and getting soaked in case of craving a chuupet like the one that at that time he removes from his mouth. Sad or not, he rubs his eyes anyway.</p>
<p>"I feel so stupid." Honesty is severe in his words because the simple fact of having been compared to a cloud has caused once again for the conformity provided by a piece of clothing and his favorite food, to be replaced by the bitter feeling that has been acting as his shadow throughout the day. "Sulking when I know there are worse things. EJP is an incredible team."</p>
<p>He believes that being sad is the same as thinking that his team, the team he has belonged to since he left Inarizaki's black uniform behind, is not worthy of his presence. And he knows it’s not fair, it’s not true. He has learned to love the colors light blue and white in the same way that he has become used to sharing the same side of the court with players he has previously faced as well as seeing people who at the time had sought to score points for the same team, on the other side of the court.</p>
<p>"I even forgot to put waterproof eyeliner on." He complains.</p>
<p>The players chosen to be part of the Japan national team are fierce in their own way, they are considered monsters because they don’t stop, they improve and for them, trying leads to satisfaction, they end up being grouped under the title of monster generation because their strengths are extreme as well as their desire to continue playing set after set. Suna thinks that he doesn't even like to run, and if his shoulders sag, it’s because he realizes how out of place he feels and how different his goals are, although if he is down, and frustrated, it’s because perhaps his thoughts are not so different from those of his peers —if he can consider them peers. He has teamed up with Atsumu and Aran before, so why can't he be included?</p>
<p>"I think it's okay to have bigger or different goals," Washio says.</p>
<p>"For what if I can't fulfill them?"</p>
<p>When he thinks of Inarizaki, people think of him as the person who has had to get used to the twins and their daily fights, their silly arguments and nonsense, their personalities as different as equal. He has been the vice-captain in his last year, and yet instead of asking him what it felt like to be one of the two leaders of a powerhouse school, people keep asking him what it felt like to share a team with the twins. A blessing and a curse, choosing is impossible. His life would have been a lot calmer had he not met them, but his phone memory would have lasted much longer as well.</p>
<p>Atsumu inspires with smiles and smirks, Osamu challenges through silent plays.</p>
<p>He? He is fine as long as they win.</p>
<p>Isn't that enough?</p>
<p>He thinks of himself in his second year, of Atsumu being invited to the All-Japan Youth training camp, being angry because Osamu hadn’t been called while Osamu had confidently pronounced that if he had wanted to go, he would have. Suna hadn't been invited. His game sense is said to be impressive, as his flexibility to be his main strength.</p>
<p>Then why not?</p>
<p>The story seems to repeat itself, only this time, everything feels heavier.</p>
<p>He think it's silly when people mention that growing up means knowing how to handle your feelings better.</p>
<p>Softness finds his face and he blinks as Kita wipes away the tear trail mixed with black eyeliner under his eye. If there’s something that also remains despite the years, it’s the feeling of calmness that Kita offers him when he dedicates him a kind smile. But what changes is that at that moment he doesn’t know if he wants to be comforted. Why does he have feel down? Just because he hasn't been called up to be part of the Japan national team?</p>
<p>"It would be worse to decide to stay stuck, without moving. Don’tcha think?"</p>
<p>"Isn't a routine deciding to stay stuck?"</p>
<p>"No, a routine means getting up every day, thinking of the next hours as a new chance."</p>
<p>"By being stuck, I wouldn't be like this, I wouldn't expect anything."</p>
<p>His friends are training together, currently in the same location and in the same building, probably already resting for the next day to play volleyball with each other, while he is at Kita's farm, sitting, with an already worn chuupet in his hand, traces of eyeliner on his face, with Washio at his side and Kita close to him. Being there and with them doesn’t sound bad, but the circumstances are not exactly the best.</p>
<p>He doesn’t understand why conforming is equated with staying stuck, implying that he doesn’t want as much as everyone else, that his desires don’t burn in the same way, and that he gets bored no matter what goals he sets for himself. If conformity is giving your consent, approval, then why does he feel that way? His friends are labeled as monsters while he is left apart, forgotten and with his name discarded. If he has always felt different for being a middle blocker without the best of heights, for being the only one on his team not to speak with the typical accent of the region, then why does he want to be part of the group now?</p>
<p>"I feel weak because I couldn't make it onto the team."</p>
<p>The people who stand out are those whose names are called to later become part of the representative group of the country in a much larger, more illuminated stadium. Atsumu and his determination, Aran and his strength, Komori and his defense. He? He is a middle blocker in charge of doing what his position allows and demands, to block players from the other side of the net. He jumps, also spikes the ball, collides with the other middle blockers, stops and prevents the players of the team in front of them from intruding into their space with the help of a ball. Why is it said that the battle above the net is the culminating moment, the crucial second, and acclaimed territory of the spikers when they are the ones to appear to stop them? Shouldn't it be a fair fight?</p>
<p>"Do you think all the people who didn't make it to the team are weak?" Kita asks because Kita always shows up to make you realize that what you are saying as you fall, doesn't make as much sense as you think it does. "D’you think Washio is weak?"</p>
<p>"No."</p>
<p>Washio has not been called up to be part of the national team either, but that doesn’t mean that Suna doesn’t think of him as an exceptional player. Since he had joined the team, in a certain way Washio had been in charge of guiding him, of being his support so that later both could block together, trusting the other to be there to stop the players. Volleyball is a team sport because if there’s something better than stopping a player with the help of your arms, it’s sharing that feeling of satisfaction with someone who wears and feels the same colors in the same way that you do.</p>
<p>"D’you think you are weak?"</p>
<p>"No."</p>
<p>Thanks to his core strength and the flexibility of his body, he has capabilities that other players don’t. He is known for manipulating opposing middle blockers as well as using his own body to add a special element when he must touch the ball instead of stopping it. It’s true that the first thing he does is throw himself on the gym floor as soon as they finish running, no matter if the coach scolds him or Komori laughs at him, just as it’s also true that if he can win a match in two sets instead out of three, it’s better because it involves less effort; but that doesn’t take away that he always runs the same as his teammates, and that if he must play three sets, four, five, then he will block and jump for as long as he has to because with Kita he has learned that he shouldn’t slack off.</p>
<p>"I don't know." He adds in a whisper.</p>
<p>But then, if he is not weak, why has he not been called?</p>
<p>Because he doesn't stand out? Because he is not the best middle blocker of the season?</p>
<p>He doesn’t believe that he is weak because at that moment his confidence is threatening to break, but because he is completely confused and no longer knows what to think despite being with two people who seek to help him. He doesn't want to hear embarrassing tones of voice but he doesn't want to be told that he's never been interested in being part of a team known for the color red.</p>
<p>"The muscle you build every day is not a waste of time." Suna knows this but still allows Kita to keep talking because interrupting Kita is not a good idea and he doesn’t want to. "When I take care of the fields and a storm appears, it might take everything away. Yes, it’s frustrating and very, but my effort hasn’t been in vain. Sometimes there is no option. What is an option is whether you decide to go ahead or not."</p>
<p>Suna thinks Kita and Atsumu are so alike that he doesn't know if he's grateful or disgusted, since he's had both captains himself. You move to incorporate customs and your body adapts to the new sensations, and keep repeating them, making an effort every day, depends on you and no one else.</p>
<p>"Not working on a sunny day for fear of it turning into a storm, only so that in the end, the sun ends up settin’ and you realize that you've wasted a whole day, it's still worse than working only for a bad day to take everything. You gain repetition, experience, muscle, memory."</p>
<p>"I won't to stop playing." He doesn't want to stop playing.</p>
<p>Isn't that enough? Why does he wonder what is enough and what’s not?</p>
<p>"Everyone around me gets the same but me. I could have taken so many pics." He says, even if it seems childish, even if it sounds silly, because while he will continue playing in the same gym with the same people, Komori will be creating new memories as well as Atsumu and Aran, and the rest of those who have been called to be part of the national team.</p>
<p>"We can take pictures if you want."</p>
<p>Suna giggles a little at Washio's words.</p>
<p>"Thank you, actually that makes me feel better."</p>
<p>Jealousy or envy? Sadness or frustration? A sigh leaves his mouth.</p>
<p>Again he leaves the chuupet between his lips but it threatens to fall when hands that are not really completely unknown, take his. Kita takes his fingers between his, and Suna realizes that even though they both work with them, his are surrounded by tape while Kita's are still soft and reassuring.</p>
<p>If his sneakers are worn, if his body has gained muscle, if his fingers are decorated with tape, then why has he come to think that he doesn’t try as hard as others?</p>
<p>"The trainings you do stay with ya and will not be lost because the place where you train will remain the same. The exercises you do and the blocks you perform will not fade away. It wasn’t yer decision to be called or not, but it’s yer decision what you do from now on. What d’you prefer to think?" Kita asks him. No matter what the feeling is, Kita forces you to reflect. "That you have tried yer best again or that you have given up?"</p>
<p>"I just don't know if I've tried." Suna confesses.</p>
<p>What is there to suppose with those words?</p>
<p>That his muscles should ache? That his fingers, instead of being wrapped up in tape, shouldn't even be able to move? Is that the extreme he must get to be called? But if Atsumu never seeks to even break a nail, if Komori has never had to sit on the bench for tripping, then what is expected of him? Blood, sweat and tears. If you bleed, they force you off the court. He doesn’t like sweating, and crying is both a brutality and a relief.</p>
<p>"What if I'm not like them?" He asks, although Kita doesn't have the answer.</p>
<p>He is aware that his friends are called the monster generation. He is the same age, so why is he not included? "What if I don't love volleyball as much as they do? Many times I feel out of place." He adds, because that is his reality. People express that he doesn’t make an effort, that he doesn’t do more than necessary, only what is fair. Liking what you do should be the only thing that matters, right?</p>
<p>He doesn't feel like a monster, monster is what they make him feel like.</p>
<p>Because his gaze doesn’t burn with determination, because he doesn’t do the impossible in order to save a ball, because he is not desperate to do extra practices, and on the contrary, he rushes to zip his jacket and put his phone in his pocket when that option is suggested. He is not obsessed and he doesn’t want to be.</p>
<p>"And why does yer love have to be the same?"</p>
<p>Maybe Kita does have the answer. Suna is not surprised.</p>
<p>"There is no one way to love, to persevere. Quoting Aran, if it makes ya happy, then it makes ya happy." An inevitable smile appears on Kita's face because even sometimes he himself forgets that emotions are simple rather than complicated. "Be it a sport or a person, love has variations and it will never be the same."</p>
<p>Suna doesn't need to hear those words twice because he knows. He is aware that his relationship with Osamu works in the same way that Washio and Konoha have been together since their high school days, and in the same way that Kita, Atsumu and Aran are part of the same relationship. Their relationships are different and he knows that. So why can't he think the same way for volleyball?</p>
<p>"I know I don't like losing, I don't like feeling like that."</p>
<p>He hates the bitter taste that appears in his mouth after losing a game, he doesn’t like seeing his teammates with grimaces on their faces instead of widen smiles of happiness. He despises when the bus is quiet and he must stay still because Komori has laid his head on his shoulder, when he would rather be blasting his Instagram because he keeps uploading videos about his teammates, partying, jumping, screaming. Because they have won and although the coach scolds them and asks them to sit down, a smile can also be seen on his face. He doesn’t like to lose, can't that be compared to wanting to win? Seeking to improve in order not to lose can’t be taken in the same way as seeking to improve in order to win, to grow?</p>
<p>"That's enough." Washio says, declares, actually.</p>
<p>Wanting the best for the team, for yourself.</p>
<p>"Actually, I'm glad to hear you say that instead of just saying you don't care, that would have disappointed me a bit." He adds.</p>
<p>Suna asks what kind of laws are those that govern the system that dictates how he should feel about the decisions of others before him. His reality is that his name has not been called up for the national team and people are waiting for him to be frustrated. He is, but he no longer knows if it's because he hasn’t been called or because he knows people will assume he doesn’t care, or that he is about to face downcast days. He is not a bad player, he is not a bad middle blocker, and his abilities will not disappear just because he will continue to wear the same colors.</p>
<p>"I don't want everyone to call me to ask how I'm doing," He explains why he hadn't answered Osamu before, why Kita's farm had been the place where he had decided to settle in with Washio instead of visiting Osamu or his parents, although that had been the plan as soon as Kita had offered his house as a place to try to clear a little his head —if Kita did it because Atsumu and Aran are away too and he also needs some company, he hasn’t said it. "I don't want pity, I don't want to be looked at with sadness, I don't want anyone to assume anything about me." Finally, he is the one who lets go of Kita's hands to finish his chuupet and leave the plastic next to his phone. He doesn’t want calls, he doesn’t want texts, he doesn’t want painful looks.</p>
<p>"The people you love caring ‘bout ya ain’t a bad thing." Kita says.</p>
<p>"Why should I have something to worry about?"</p>
<p>It’s true that his name has not been called, so? That doesn't mean he doesn’t like volleyball. Maybe differently than Atsumu, not like Komori, not in the same way as Aran. But he continues to like the sport that he hasn’t stopped practicing despite the demanding hours and the effort required. He plays, he blocks, and he enjoys being able to decorate his face with a beauteous smirk when the stands go crazy because he has stopped the other team's players with the help of his hands, his arms, and his mind. He believes that worrying is normal, and that people worry about him, that too, but he doesn't want to be underestimated nor overestimated. He keeps moving forward despite what people expect of him, isn't that the definition of a monster?</p>
<p>"I think there’s nothing wrong with a little extra support as long as you know that those words will help ya." Kita proposes because, "A little extra help never hurts."</p>
<p>"We won't let them think that our team is only good because of our libero."</p>
<p>Suna looks at Washio when he expresses those words, and a smile appears on his face because that is not his idea either. He is happy for Komori as well as proud that he has achieved a place as the defense of the Japan national team. Many times Komori has managed to save the ball because his hand touching the ball for a second has been what it takes to get him that extra time and thus be able to position himself better. They are a team, they are supposed to play together.</p>
<p>Perhaps it’s up to him to feel out of place, perhaps he should feel that way to embrace the feelings invoked and mold them as he wants. Perhaps he is a monster, but not the type of beast that makes promises to be kept, or that takes measures that are seen by others as extreme. He is an even more dangerous monster because he’s not perceived as one, not even called one, because with black eyeliner decorating the green of his eyes, and with the Instagram filters that he often adds to his photos, he gets to disguise himself as mortal when in reality he is not. He is a fallen angel, an angel who sinned, an angel who was cast out of heaven, and if he is to be considered a sinner just because he loves himself and volleyball differently, then so be it. Do not forgive me because there is nothing to forgive. He doesn’t obey the rule, he cuts the wings of others and proclaims new feathers for himself, not white but black because his uniform might be white but his intentions are only based on stopping, on blocking when jumping with his arms outstretched.</p>
<p>"Can I tell Atsumu that you held my hands?"</p>
<p>He is the kind of person who makes Kita laugh with the mere mention of those words.</p>
<p>"Just for this time."</p>
<p>"EJP is a great team." Washio says, and he doesn't say things just for the sake of it either.</p>
<p>They are strong, agile. They defend, block, save the ball, score points. Win, lose.</p>
<p>Suna knows that they are counting on Raijin, the god of thunder, lighting and storms, and if his emotions must be a tempest, then so be it. Lightning and thunder are scary, yet they also tend to illuminate. They are an electric shock and that is how he wants to feel, he wants the players on the other side of the net to think of them as a team unable to decipher. He thinks of how the god behind the name of their team is usually represented riding a cloud to shoot lightning bolts and arrows at the invaders. Suna laughs inevitably. After all, Kita is always right, even when he compares them to clouds because now it’s their job to maintain the reputation of that god as the EJP players that they are.</p>
<p>How naive he has been.</p>
<p>"No playing volleyball on or off my fields." Kita says.</p>
<p>"Far from the crops?" Washio suggests.</p>
<p>"Far from the crops."</p>
<p>"Thank you."</p>
<p>Suna laughs again when he hears that exchange of words and both Washio and Kita smile when they hear him and see him decorate his expression with that smiling gesture. Comforting a person is never an easy task as well as telling the truth either, but giving an account of reality is something that is not difficult because sooner or later one also understands the conditions that surround oneself.</p>
<p>"I have to wake up early tomorrow and you too cuz I need extra help too," Kita mentions, finally getting up and choosing to stretch his arms since both Suna and Washio have agreed to stay there for a couple of days after all. He smiles, decorates his expression with that kind of gesture that only appears after being completely and totally satisfied. "Oh how nice it has been." He adds, thinking that despite having stopped playing volleyball, he still has the opportunity to surround himself with all kinds of creatures. "Lucky me. I invite monsters into my own home now, offering a banquet of my own."</p>
<p>Kita holds a wide smile and Suna tilts his head in confusion.</p>
<p>"Goodnight."</p>
<p>"I'm coming with you." Washio says, copying his actions.</p>
<p>"I'll go in a bit."</p>
<p>Washio and Kita leave him alone and he finally lays his eyes on the night.</p>
<p>He thinks that it is misunderstood, called dangerous but also calm.</p>
<p>But the reality is, without a night, a morning wouldn’t be received in the way it’s welcomed.</p>
<p>Suna smiles.</p>
<p>If he is to be considered a fallen angel that forms his own wings by obtaining the feathers of others after jumping and blocking them every time he can, preventing them from advancing yet challenging them to do so because without obstacles no one can improve, then he prefers to know that his companions are called monsters and that both they and he continue to belong to the generation of monsters because he is an undercover threat, and if there’s something worse than a monster that is shown in broad daylight, on a volleyball court surrounded by people acclaiming their name, it’s a monster that keeps hiding its true nature. After all, depending on who you ask, a fallen angel can be considered the worst kind of monster.</p>
<p>His phone ringing again gets him to lower his head, and unlike the first time, at that moment he finally decides to take the phone and place it close to his ear to accept the call once he recognizes the same name that had appeared the first time.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for reading!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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